Comedy Central, Here, How May I Help You?
by another.creative.lover
Summary: /SasuSaku/ Sakura's a failing comedian on one of the greatest cruiselines in the WORLD, and she's determined to pull her act together. When a hot guy turns up in the cruise, she's finding some inspiration. Too bad she doesn't know a thing... To Laelia.
1. Love Language

**Comedy Central, Here, How May I Help You?**

**By annee loves sasusaku**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto. Or "Wizard Angst," for those Harry Potter fans who know about that. XD

**Author's note: **Hello, hello, hello, everybody! :D God, I love the rain. Always makes me feel super-duper creative. Hence, my little writing spree. XD That was odd. Never did that before. 0_0 Anyways, this story came to me one day after I took a little trip with my family on a cruise line, and it was AWESOME, because I snuck into an R-rated comedy show, and who the hell doesn't love R-rated comedy shows? Anyways, that inspired me a lot. There was also another person who inspired me a lot, and still does actually; she's the reason why the majority of my iSakura chapters are so damn good. XD So, here it is, to my inspiration, my dear friend: **Laelia**. This story is dedicated to you. :)

Oh, and to those of you who are of the United States, some of these comedy acts, which some have or have not been taken from the comedy act that I have gone to, may be very upsetting. Which is why this is rated _**M**_ for **mature**. For the extremely crude humor, strong language… and possible sex scenes. XD

Those of you who are NOT from the U. S., please sit back and enjoy me, a _very dedicated, American_, poking fun at a bunch of very American things. :D

**-xxx-**

**Act 1**

**Love Language**

**-xxx-**

It was another beautiful morning in L.A., California—the sun was shining, the water was shimmering, everything was—

Bullshit. _Stop_. Stop it, now. Hell no is a story like this going to start out like _that_! That morning was more like this:

It was the frickin' middle of December, and L.A. was stricken by cold weather; everyone was trying desperately to get ready for the upcoming Christmas, warm inside their homes. Well, everyone who _wasn't_ going on a three-week cruise, that was. In the middle of the downtown L.A. harbor was a monster-sized cruise-liner. There were already lines forming, consisting of large families, wailing babies, and whiny little brats that incessantly screamed, "BUT I WANT MY ICE CREAM!"

Yeah? What good is that ice cream going to do, shoved up your—

"Wait, wait, _wait!_"

A pink-haired young lady dashed toward the massive cruise ship ticket line, waving a slip of paper as she dragged her luggage alongside her. "Hold _up_, people! Jesus!" She pushed her way through the crowd, ignoring certain _very_ rude comments. She turned around when she felt someone's hand against her rump. "Yo! Whoever did that, you can look, but you can't touch!" Turning around and making her way over to the employee line, she muttered, "Perverts," before she managed to survive the trek over and check her things in, getting onto the ship before the actual passengers stampeded onto the boat for an afternoon lunch.

"Good afternoon, Miss Haruno," greeted the typically, very friendly crew member as he helped her aboard. "Wonderful weather in Los Angeles today, isn't it?"

The rosette smiled at him while she quickly tied her hair up into a messy bun. "Naw," she said, giving him a dazzling smile. "The weather _sucks_. It's actually pretty great to be back on board, Tony." She patted him on the back as she made her way onto the main deck. "Thanks for the help!" With that, she dashed into the all-you-can-eat buffet and stacked on as many sweets on her plate as she could.

She smiled as she helped herself to another slice of rich, crème brulée cheesecake. God, it was good to be back on Festival Elations. The Festival Cruise liners were so famous for being the most luxurious cruises on planet Earth, that everyone practically broke an arm or leg just to buy tickets; and this lucky chick got a free pass on one of the most elite adult playgrounds—well, minus the beautiful luxuries of Las Vegas, but you get the point. How, you may ask? By being the most sarcastic, bitter, and funniest person ever—it was just her _job_. So goes the saying: _love what you do, and you'll never work a day in your life_. And boy, did she love her job. The pink-haired girl leaned back in her chair and stretched, rubbing her hands together as she stared down that delicious slice of cheesecake. "Hello there, beautiful," she said, picking up a fork, "Prepare to meet thy fate!"

Let's backtrack a little: Festival Cruise liners equals _the best cruise line in the history of the world_. Of course, such a cruise line would need such entertainers—and Haruno Sakura (well, _Sakura Haruno_ if you were one of those obnoxious _Americans_) was one such entertainer. A comedian. Well, a sort of _failing_ comedian, to be precise. No, not a clown; there weren't any ginormous shoes hanging from her feet or big red nose—did she look like Rudolph to you? Certainly _not_. If anything, she was probably one of the most sought-out bachelorettes. Because, well… she was _different_. Let's watch an example, shall we?

Sakura sat there, sighing as she took another bite of her cheesecake, moaning with the fork in her mouth as her sly little tongue flicked out for another taste of that beautiful, delicious chocolate creaminess. Noticing a couple of (probable) college students staring at her, she winked at them, flashing them a peace sign as she brush a couple of stray pink strands away from her face, making way for those beautiful, emerald orbs to shine.

Insert random fangirl squealing from college boy students.

And who said anything about boys _not_ wanting to have fun, squealing over cute little Japanese girls who ate cheesecake like they were having sex? (Die to those of you who believed in such monstrocities.)

The pinkette smirked and sighed, getting up to leave the now cheesecake-devoid plate. "Another day's work, here I come!" With a kick to her feet, she confidently walked past staring people (psh, California "gurls," make way!) and down the lobby, not bothering to wait for another elevator and, instead, taking the stairs. "Hello!" she greeted to happy-looking passengers, smiling as they waved back to her. Then, the moment of truth: her final destination in the employee's quarter, surprisingly just as luxurious as the passenger cabins. She handled the key and burst in, dashing over to the window and taking everything in, smiling as a seagull landed on her window. "Hey," she said softly. '_Hmm…_' she thought as she reached up to it, '_I wonder if it'll let me pet it_.'

"SQUACK! SQUACK!" it screamed, flapping its wings as it frantically started its escape, soaring out to the skies as if to tell its friends _never_ to go into a room with a freaky pink-haired girl. (**A/N**: Bet you thought it was going to be some serious Disney princess moment. XD)

Sakura sighed and flopped back on her bed before she leaned over to rifle through her bags to pull out a small writing pad and a pencil. She tapped the pencil on her nose and looked out the window, thinking about her next act. Tonight was going to be an intro day for the passengers, which was when they got settled in, tuned into the _ginormous_ safety procedures, and, for the little kids that demanded they trail along, joined clubs like Club H2O or Circle of Seas, or whatever.

What? She wasn't a kid…

The pinkette stamped her feet on the bed in frustration. "God dang it!" she muttered. "I want more of that cheesecake! BLAAAAH!"

…sort of.

She sighed as she returned her attention to the writing pad in front of her, desperately wracking her brain for some sort of inspiration.

No dice.

The rosette pulled her hair in frustration. "Jeez, what good is it to be a freakin' comedian if you don't have any inspiration whatsoever? Stupid writer's block…"

'_And besides… if I don't come up with a good act..._' she thought as she kicked the writing pad back into her suitcase and pulled on a comfortable pair of shoes, '_…this might be the last act that I'll ever do_.' And it was totally true. No joke. Apparently, the founder/owner/_whatever_ of the cruise-line demanded that she give the passengers the time of their life—else she'd be kicked off the boat employee system for good. Stupid brat-like, ice-cream wanter, wannabe businessman.

Stretching her arms, she trudged out of her room, sighing as she looked down at her feet, not exactly watching where she was going…

_CRASH!_

…and walking straight into a person in the hall. Well, not _walking straight into_, per-say. More like, totally tripping over her untied shoelaces, finding something to hold onto to prevent the fall and instead, pulling someone down accidentally and falling flat on them, their clothes strewn everywhere.

"Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry!" Sakura quickly apologized, sitting straight up as to straddle her poor victim—before she stopped and stared down.

Oh. My. Fucking. Cheese-Its. Her "victim" was officially _the_ most super-duper, scrumdiliumptous, sexy-sauce-ish, _mantastical_ hottie-hot-hottie she had ever laid eyes on—and judging by the position she landed on him, the one she had ever _lain_ on. But she didn't notice that; all she could notice at the moment was how _gorgeous_ his face was, his cheekbones and face seeming to have been carved by Michaelangelo, his body (his _abs_) underneath her hands felt so _rock-hard_, his eyes were smoky black (so intense that she could lose herself in them), and his hair, despite the chicken-butt likeness, looked soft and fell casually in semi-messy locks. Oh, _hello there_, Mr. Sex-On-Legs.

Sakura stammered as she tried to put together a coherent sentence. "Um, I-I… room, hallway… walking…" She grinned sheepishly as she scratched the back of her head. That was when she heard him mumble something. She tiled her head at him. "Huh?"

"_Get off of me_," he responded, repeating his message to the strange pink-haired girl who fell on him. God, all of these girls were so _annoying_. Just because he was the owner of the cruise line didn't mean that they all had to get all nervous and—

"_Excuse_ me?" Sakura retorted, absolutely refusing to get off as she put her hands on her hips, still straddling him. "Who the hell do you think you are, Mr. I-Think-I-Have-The-Right-To-Fucking-Tell-People-Off?"

—or maybe not. The raven-haired man smirked at her sarcasm as he chose not to answer the very interesting (and surprisingly, _cute_) pink-haired girl.

"I asked you who you think you are," she repeated again, crossing her arms across her chest. _God_, who did this guy think he _was_? She just bumped into him and already she hated his guts.

He smirked. "Mr. I-Think-I-Have-The-Right-To-Tell-People-Off." He sat up, doing a _very_ sexy sit-up that ended up having her face very close to his. "Now then," he murmured, his masculine scent oozing off of him as his hot breath fanned her ear, "_get off of me_."

It took her a second to realize that, hey, '_I'm straddling the hottest, most mantastical guy I've ever met_' before she bolted off of him and blushed a deep, attractive pink. "O-oops…" She gave an awkward laugh as she watched him pull himself up, giving her a frown.

"Hn," he muttered as he brushed the dirt off of his nice _chemise_.

"Sorry about that," she muttered back as she bent down to pick up some of his clothes.

The skirt she wore rode up a little bit, revealing a piece of her nice, creamy-looking thigh. The raven-haired man swallowed soundlessly, ignoring the way her natural beauty made him sweat pools on the inside. Of course, men like him never _really_ sweated. It was gross; so he didn't do it. Before she could pick up his clothes that were now helplessly scattered in the hallway, he stopped her with a simple hand to her shoulder and gracefully gathered them up. After he was finished, he turned to look at her once and _hn_-ed before he turned away to walk to his suite, smirking when he heard her next words.

"Hey, that's not polite! Try adding more to that vocabulary of yours, why don't-cha!" Sakura seethed when all she saw was his back. "Bastard," she muttered, kicking the carpet floor. '_But he was definitely a hottie-hot-hottie._'

"Damn, girl, did you manage to snag any of that _fine_ thing?" asked a familiar voice.

Sakura turned around and smiled. "Ino!" she greeted her best girl friend as she hugged her, giggling. "What the hell are you doing here?"

The blonde shrugged and flashed her pink-haired friend a dazzling smile. "Well, you know, my boss gave me a day off from work, and I decided to come here and relax."

Knowing her best friend, the comedian gave her a sly grin. "Did you bring anyone with you?" Her suspicions were confirmed when the blonde turned away to hide a blush.

"N-No!" A pause before Ino's shoulders sagged and she sighed. "Yeah…"

Sakura put a finger to her lips in mock thought. "Hmm… let's see who it is _this _time…" She grinned when she felt a hard smack to her arm before she snapped her fingers. "Shikamaru?"

Ino laughed. "Nope. It's Chouji."

"Oh, darn—I swore I saw that you and Shika had some chemistry." She shrugged. "Guess he's going for Temari, huh?"

"You bet." The blonde gave another chiming laugh. "Well, I gotta go get the luggage before Chouji practically eats himself to death at the buffet. I'll be looking forward to your acts during the cruise, m'kay?" With a wave, she was off.

The pinkette waved weakly after her friend before her arm dropped limply to her side and she sighed. "Yeah… if only I could find something to write about…"

"OH, SAKURA-CHAAAAAAN!"

Oh, boy. Should she even _dare_ to turn around?

Risking having her face torn off, Sakura pivoted on her heel, girding her loins before she laughed when she saw her _other_ blond best friend. "Hey, you!" she giggled, rubbing the spiky blond locks of hair on her friend's head. "What brings you here, Naruto?"

The happy-go-lucky young man grinned. "Well, I got a pass from work and one of my buddies got me two free tickets to get on this cruise—and I sure as hell wasn't going to pass those up! 'Specially since you're doing an act on this ship." He gave another cheery laugh. "Hinata's up at the room resting a bit. I'm gonna go hit the buffet. Hear Chouji's on this ship with Ino." Naruto gave a wave. "_Ja!_" And he disappeared.

The pinkette pouted. Dagnabit! They were all waiting for the most sarcastic, most bitter and funniest acts in the next few weeks, and she didn't even know where to get started! The girl sighed as she shuffled back to her cabin and dug up her writing pad again, resuming her seat on the bed. But all she could think about was that _extremely sexy stranger_ that she just bumped into. Her palms sweated when she thought of his hard abs and die-for face and smoky eyes and—

Sakura shook the thoughts away. "Have to think about an act…" Another image of the man hit her again… and that was when she realized….

Hello there, beautiful idea…

With that first thought, she set to work.

**-xxx-**

The rosette bit her lip as she saw a nice crowd of people in the Marionette Lounge. Well, nice as in large number, anyway. The other definition of nice didn't exactly correspond with the flips that her stomach was currently doing. '_Just relax, Sakura…_' she told herself, staring into the mirror as she double-checked, then triple-checked her make-up. '_You've done this _tons_ of times… in middle school. Just… do the same as always._' Squaring her shoulders and putting final touches on her dress, she took a deep breath and listened as the announcer, er, _announced_ her coming.

"Hello there, ladies and gentlemen! How's everybody doin' tonight?"

A weak chorus of "Good" and "Fine" managed to croak from the crowd.

Sakura could almost see the disapproving frown on the announcer's face. "D'aw, c'mon, you guys! I said 'how's everybody doin' _tonight_?'"

This time, the crowd erupted into a volcanic cheer as if, just after their first dead silence, they'd all been pumped with _5-hour Energies_.

"Good, good! Glad to hear." A pause from the other side of the curtain. "Alright, now before I introduce our very talented comedian for tonight, I have a terrible joke to tell you guys. Everybody ready?" With the audience's approval, he continued. "Okay, so—a friend of mine, he got into this accident this one day where the entire left side of his body was totally _crushed_"—surprisingly, a large amount of people giggled—"and then I asked him, 'Eh, hey, Mike, you okay?' He said, 'Yeah. I'm all right.'"

Sakura chuckled when she heard the crowd groan.

The announcer chuckled himself. "Okay then, I see you want me off the stage. Well then, say hello to a _real_ sarcastic prodigy, the comedian that we have here today who will entertain you until your side bleeds, _Sakura Haruno_!"

Bursting from the side curtain, the pink-haired girl smiled and waved as she made her way onto the stage and grabbed the mike from the announcer. "Thanks, Thomas, I totally appreciate you giving us one of the _best_ grammar jokes of all time, right folks?" She giggled when she heard them chuckle at her sarcasm. "Alright, so how many of your out there are enjoying your time on the ship already, huh? Yeah?"

A hoot of cheers answered her.

"Great, cool! I'm sure you already have so many stories to tell. I do, likewise. I mean, I came onto this ship today, and I was like, 'Man, I'm a lucky bitch…' I mean, seriously—who'd love a job where all you do is _bitch_ about your life all day? Huh?" Screams of approval sounded throughout the lounge. "That's right, be jealous, bitches."

The crowd's shouting died down before she continued.

"Uh, yeah, so I'm a Harry Potter fan"—she smiled when the Harry Potter fans cheered in the audience—"and I just watched _the _most funniest shit on Harry Potter. It's called _Wizard Angst_, who's heard of that?" More applause sounded throughout the lounge. "Yeah. I love that. It really shows the problem with teens these days, I mean, seriously—bumped into this one guy in the hallway when I was going back up to my suite"—she looked at the crowd and said in a squeaky sing-song voice—"_He wasn't beary happy_." She laughed with the crowd. "But yeah, uh, so I bumped into him and I gotta say, _sexiest beast in the entire fucking world_, by the way."

The women in the crowd hooted.

"It was really weird though, bumping into him because it was a _total_ accident—I guess you can call it that when you end up _straddling_ the guy and going 'WHOO! GO HORSEY, GO!'"

The men in the crowd whooped and laughed, cheering her on.

"But the thing with this guy was that he _radiated_ angst. Like, you walk past him, and I swear you can hear his thoughts"—she cupped a hand to her ear and muttered in a deep voice—"_angst, angst, angst, angst…_ _Get away from me! Oh, dear GOD, what the hell is THAT?_" Sakura turned to look at the crowd. "That was him when he almost saw what was under my pants—I mean, seriously? What do I look like—I have a fucking _gnome_ under there or something?" She paused for a while as the crowd laughed. "Yeah, that's a turnoff. You guys know what else is a turn off? _Guys living with their moms!_"

"OOOOHHHH!" exclaimed the crowd.

"I mean, c'mon! Just think of it this way: you and your dude"—a guy in the crowd hooted—"There's a gay one, I like that—anyway, you and him are, like, in the kitchen, having _the_ most roughest, animalistic sex of your entire fucking life"—the girls in the crowd screamed and Sakura waggled her eyebrows—"We're listening."

Another roar of laughter.

"Yeah, so you guys are fucking in the kitchen, and it's about the time when you're like holding onto the refrigerator door, going 'OMIGOD, OH MY FUCKING—OH YEAH! OH YEAH!' and then you hear the guy screaming, 'I'M COMING, MOM!'" Sakura stopped and gave the crowd a 'What the hell' look as they burst into fits of giggles. "Seriously? It's like STOP!"

"Hey, fuck you!" a guy said in the crowd as the rest of them roared with applause.

Sakura smiled as she looked at the guy. "Hey, I'd like that—but not on your mom's fridge, okay?"

Another roar of laughter from the audience.

The rosette giggled. "Okay, you guys, it was awesome being here tonight, and that's all I have for today—please be sure to come to my next show tomorrow, okay? Thanks, folks." Standing there on the stage, she waved goodbye to her entertainees, not noticing a certain raven-haired man give her a once over and then disappeared with the crowd.

**-xxx-**

The raven-haired man smirked and chuckled into his right fist, trying not to burst into fits of laughter. '_That was actually pretty good_,' he thought as he managed to stifle himself and sat down at nearby bar that stood right outside of the Marionette lounge. He gave another soft chuckle before he stopped and stared back into the room where the pink-haired girl stood, wearing a bright smile on her face. What an interesting girl she was…

Bumping into him, first of all. Then not knowing who the hell she was dealing with. Then being utterly, stupidly, _rudely_ sarcastic and bitter to him—and strangely, he _liked_ it. It was so refreshing to have a woman who didn't kiss up to him, didn't try to play him by the dick, didn't plaster themselves to his side like they just used Super-glue. It was so, so refreshing.

"Anything to drink, Mr. Uchiha?" asked a bartender as he bustled from one side of the bar to the other.

The businessman waved him off. "None for me today, Jeeves," he said, nodding at him before taking a last look at the pinkette in the lounge and swiveling off of the stool. Before he left, the raven-haired man turned to look over his shoulder and said, "By the way, there's no need to be so formal. Call me Sasuke."

**-xxx-**

Sakura smiled and whooped and cheered when they were all gone, not caring that the mike was still on. She dashed toward the announcer. "Thanks, Thomas!" she told him and held both of his hands. "Man, that was awesome."

Thomas laughed as he stared back at the pretty comedian. "Yeah, I thought exactly the same thing. Great job, you." He patted her on the back. "I'll be waiting for next time's. See ya!"

The rosette waved at his back and held the mike in her hand. "I did it," she murmured. An image of the raven-haired mystery man flashed through her head again. '_And it was all thanks to that one guy_…' She hated to admit it, but the inspiration seemed to come around when she bumped into him. Maybe another accidental bump-in or two won't be so weird. '_After all,_' she thought as she sat down where coincidentally a certain male had sat, '_I'll be able to keep my job_.' It was the job on the sexiest dream ship _ever_. If she lost that, she'd have nothing—she'd be a loser for _life_. She gritted her teeth as she imagined an old businessman, jaded by life and having nothing better to do than to cut off another person's career. '_Stupid bastard…_ _I dare you to try and take it away from me while I'm on this ship_.'

With the determination and confidence of a lioness, Sakura stalked off the stage and headed back to her cabin.

**-xxx-**

**Author's note:** Hey, dolls! :D How was that for a first chapter? A little too much crude humor? Yeah? Well, there's going to be more where that came from. XD Please do **review** and tell me how you liked it. I'd love to hear some feedback and I'd like to have some inspiration for future comedy acts. :D

**Review, review, review**.


	2. Act 2: I Like Boys, Boys I Do Adore!

**blanket disclaimer: **I don't own anything anyone else owns. (especially aziz's "dangerously delicious" comedy central skit; I'm borrowing some ideas from him XD)

**author's note: **soooo, I know that comedy central hasn't been updated recently, but after drowning myself in comedy central goodness and discovering aziz, this is probably the best inspiration I've ever gotten for this story! c; enjoy~

**-xxx-**

**Act 2**

**I Like Boys, Boys I Do Adore!**

**-xxx-**

"_Something's telling me to leave but I won't, 'cause I'm damned if I do ya, damned if I don't!_"

Sakura clapped her hands with the mike before she resumed singing. "_Oh-oh-oh, how was I supposed to know that you were o-o-over me, I think that I should know? Something's telling me to leave but I won't, 'cause I'm damned if I d-d-d—damned if I do ya, damned if I don't!_"

She finished off with a flashy sign, strumming an air guitar before she turned around and laughed.

Naruto and Ino were busting their guts, tears almost streaming down their faces at Sakura's performance while Hinata giggled behind her hand (the little princess she was) and Chouji smiled through a mouthful of potato chips.

"Omigod, Forehead, that was brilliant," Ino choked through her howling tears, clapping her hands together like a broken walrus.

Sakura took a flamboyant bow. "Thank you, thank you—I'll be here on Tuesdays because I'm too tone deaf to be here the rest of the week." Before she sat down, she handed the mike to Chouji (who decided that it would probably be the best idea to sing off the pounds instead of going to the ship's gym) and plopped down beside Ino, knowing all too well that she should probably leave Naruto and Hinata to their little conversation they were starting on the side.

"B-t-dubs, Saks, that skit yesterday," Ino started, twirling a piece of her hair as she smiled and watched Chouji sing. "That actually didn't suck as hard as I thought it would."

Sakura punched her in the arm and grinned sadistically when Ino cried out for mercy. "Shut up, Ino."

"I'm just saying," she said, rubbing her arm, "that it was funny!" Ino leaned towards her, a little smirk hanging from her lips as she waggled her eyebrows. "Who's the sexy angsty, hottie-hot-hottie you were talking about in your skirt yesterday?"

Sakura laughed and shook her head, tut-tutting at her dear beloved Ino. "So _that's_ where you're getting at…"

"Yeah, 'cause you went, 'and he was, like, the _sexiest beast in the fucking universe_."

"The fucking world, Ino. The fucking world."

Ino rolled her eyes. "Right. So, he's Miss Universe." Before Sakura could fit in her exasperated sigh, Ino rolled right on. "So yeah—I need the story on this hot, mantastical, hunk of junk, fine piece of ass man stat."

Sakura took a sip of her drink. "Well, I was just walking down the hall and then I bumped into him and landed on him weird and he told me '_Ehh, get off of me, bitch_'," Sakura said in her best angsty man voice, "and I just got off of him and told him, '_Oh-em-gee, who the fuck do you think you are?_' and kind of just stomped off and that was it."

"…"

"Yeah, it was funnier in the skit."

"No kidding."

Ino snapped her fingers. "Oh _wait_, _that's_ the guy? You mean the one I saw stalking away from you who looked like he could make water boil with his face? _That _hot guy?"

Sakura nodded slowly. "Yeeeeeeeeessssssssss…?"

"Oh my God, that's Sasuke!"

Sakura blinked. "Wait, what?"

"Sasuke?" Ino repeated to her as if she were a kick-punt-able chihuahua. "You know, Uchiha Sasuke from high school?"

Sakura blinked again.

Ino stared at her. "You don't know who _the _Uchiha Sasuke was," she repeated flatly. "Holy crap, did you return to the Stone Age while we were still in school or something?"

Sakura stuttered. "B-But he had chicken butt hair," Sakura gestured with her hands, making jagged signs in the air, "a-and the face," she said again, molding an air face with her hands, "and the mantastical"—Sakura slapped her thighs in frustration—"I should've remembered him if we went to the same high school!"

Ino laughed and pinched Sakura's cheeks, squinting at her playfully while Sakura squirmed underneath her grip. "The funny thing is, _you're_ the one who's getting a special high school reunion with him." She released her friend's cheek. "_And_ now he's your source of humorous inspiration."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Sakura said, eyeing another cosmopolitan. How fast would she get drunk if she chugged two alcoholic beverages at a time and attempted to juggle them?

"Hey, I'm just saying," Ino said taking the cherry out of her drink and popping it in her mouth. "If he's your source of inspiration then maybe he's your ticket to keeping your job, you know?"

Sakura chewed on a mint leaf. Huh. Ino was actually right for once. Her face took a rather philosophical-looking turn, her eyes squinting and her eyebrows rose knowingly as she bobbed her head in righteous agreement. "I see what you're getting at."

Ino took the mint leaf out of her friend's mouth, stared at it, and tossed it over her shoulder towards the uncharted territory of the room. "Yeah. You know, just go flirt with him and shit; you both get something."

Ino held both of her hands out in a balancing fashion. She gestured one hand towards Sakura. "_You_ get a hot, tanned and muscular beast of inspiration and you keep your job"—she weighed the other hand—"and he gets a maybe-sort-of-possibly-awesome-ish lay with you." Ino smirked at her. "But I mean, you still get more than he does."

With a swift, half-hearted smack to her friend's face, Sakura shot up from her seat, inspired now. "Welp," she said with a grin as she mock-saluted at her friends and cringed at Naruto singing _What is Love_, "time to go meet Mr. What's-His-Face!"

"Uchiha Sasuke!" Ino yelled after her before Sakura disappeared down the hall.

.

.

.

Sakura stopped halfway down the hall, panting like hell. She rested her hands on her knees. "God, that was probably a week's worth of exercise," she wheezed.

While she caught her breath, she straightened up and scoped out the deck. "Where the hell do ab-tastical men lurk on a cruise ship anyhow?" She held her hand under her chin and thought for a moment, eying a couple of kids splashing in the kiddie pool nearby.

_Think, think, think…_ she told herself, scanning the deck. Her eyes landed on the buffet and then, she snapped her fingers. "I know! I should eat first and then be open to suggestions later!" Her stomach growled in agreement. She patted it, unknowingly looking a bit like Naruto when he thought of ramen. "There, there," she cooed to her belly. "Soon, you shall have precious French fries within your grasp!"

Dashing towards the buffet line, she grabbed a plate and headed straight for the French fry area. Her mouth watered as she stared at all the selections of fried potato-y goodness: Belgium fries with mayonnaise on the side, potato twisters, cheese fries, chilly cheese fries, McDonald fries, curly fries, fries with a nice, toned, muscular arm holding a pocket watch—

Wait a minute.

Sakura reversed her line of vision and marveled at her luck. Once again, she bumped into him (not literally this time anyway)—and in her favorite place in the world, no less!

Abandoning her craving for fries, she leaned toward him, catching the scent of fresh laundry and an underlying musky, sandalwood scent.

And was that a note of cinnamon she caught?

Goodness, sexy men even _smelled_ sexy.

She watched as he mouthed something to himself as he stared at the face of his pocket watch. Did he need help telling the time or something? Sakura, before she could stop herself, tapped a finger on his shoulder.

He turned his (_fiiiiiiiiiiine_) self around, his jawline nice and defined and his eyes beautifully dark and mysterious. He raised a questioning eyebrow at her before he realized _hey, it's _that_ girl, what does _she_ want_—

"Um, s'cuse me, but I think that the small hand is the hour hand and the bigger stick is the minute hand, and you count by fives to find out how many minutes have passed."

Sasuke nearly blanched. _What_.

When he didn't respond to her, Sakura just assumed that he was still having problems. She went to tap on the face of the clock to show him, squeaking in surprise when he pulled his pocket watch away from her reach and snapped it shut before returning it into the pocket of his Bermuda shorts.

She puffed her cheeks out at him. "Jeez, I was only trying to help—"

"It's you again," he said, rolling right over her previous statement like the big (_hot_, buff, _sexayyyy_) bulldozer he was.

At his acknowledgement, Sakura beamed at him, glad that someone had a longer short term memory than she did. "Yeah, it's you again, too! And what's more," she said, pointing toward the pocket with the pocket watch, "that's a really cool pocket watch; people don't really have those anymore."

Sasuke stared at her. "Why are you really here?" Seriously, he had better things to do, people to talk to, CEO thingies that needed to be done, and pronto.

She waggled a knowing finger at him. "That's because I finally realized who you are, duh!"

He stared at her. So she finally figured out he was her big, bad Mr. Boss man, huh? He mentally sighed to himself. Now it was time to either face the simpering weirdos or the radical anarchists in this equally strange girl. Slowly, he began planning an escape route, running through the map of the ship in his head—

"You were one of my classmates in high school!"

His eye twitched. "You're kidding."

Sakura blinked at him. "Well, you went to Konohagakure High, right? In Kyoto?"

Sasuke straightened, a bit relieved that he didn't have to deal with either of the worst case scenarios. "Uh… yeah."

A disgruntled French fry lover grunted from behind Sakura. " 'Ey, if youse ain't gonna eat any French fries, get outta da line!"

Sakura turned around and sized him up, pumping her arms at him and cocking her head in his face. "I'm in the line here, buddy!" She grabbed the plate she put down with a bit of sass, shot him a narrow-eyed glare, and proceeded to create a big sampler plate of all the French fries possible. When she was finished, she shot a sheepish grin back to the big man behind her and a quick thank-you before she returned to the man she was previously trying to engage in conversation.

Sasuke's eye twitched when she turned around with her arms full of French fries and still had enough strength to drag him along by the arm to a table.

"So," she said as she sat the both of them down and graciously thanked him for helping her get her plates of fries settled down. "Uchiwa Sousuke, right?"

"Close enough."

A fry was poised by her lips. "Wait, so is it really?"

"Uchiha Sasuke," he corrected, waving it away. "Same thing." He stared at her for a moment. She didn't know that he _knew _her knew her, because she obviously wasn't aware of the fact that he was her boss, but he definitely remembered seeing her around school at some point. "Haruno Sakura, class 3B?" he guessed.

Sakura laughed. "Wow, you're good! I didn't actually recognize you; a friend of mine recognized you and apparently we happened to be at the same school."

"Aa…" Sasuke tapped a finger on the table. "Is this all you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well, no," she said, keeping the fries on that delicious plate on hold for a moment so she wouldn't be distracted. "See, this is going to sound kind of weird, but you give me inspiration."

"How so."

"Like, you know how authors write stories, some people write fanfiction, some do doujinshis, others write novels, maybe plays, or film scripts or—"

"_Hai_."

She squealed internally at how sexy and breathy his Japanese sounded and decided it would be in her best interest to clear her throat. "Uh, yeah, so you give me inspiration for my own work." Sakura picked up another French fry. "So my question is, do you mind if I hang out with you for a bit? My job is on the line and I could really use some inspiration?"

Sasuke stared at her. "How could I possibly help you?" He knew himself not to be quite the talker so there weren't any voluble social hysterics he could cough up and use to inspire her.

"Well, it just happens!" Sakura clasped her hands together, almost as if she were praying to him and put on her best puppy dog eyes. "Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssseeeeeeeeee—"

"Okay, shut up already."

Sakura held up a french fry wand. "Yay~!"

Sasuke sighed—i.e., blowing air out of his nose—and rolled his eyes. "I knew you didn't _just_ like my pocket watch."

Her eye twitched. She had almost forgotten his arrogance.

(That totally jerkish jerk, thinking that he was the center of everyone's world, meh.)

Sakura narrowed her eyes at him and sucked in some more fries, watching. Waiting.

Realizing that he might be late for some of his schedule work, Sasuke pulled out his watch to check the time again—

Only to have it be snatched right out of his palm.

Flashing him a big smile, she ran towards the elevator, laughing when she realized that he was chasing after her with the biggest scowl on his face. Pressing the button to the elevator as quickly as she could, she squeezed her way in to the nearest, empty elevator, realizing that Sasuke was close. She frantically hit the close button—

"Hey!"

—but Sasuke managed to squeeze right in between the closing elevator doors and snatched back his pocket watch.

His eye twitched at her. "What the hell, you weirdo."

Sakura grinned sheepishly at him before she rubbed the back of her head. "Didn't I tell you that I really liked your watch?"

Sasuke blinked at her.

And then something magical happened.

One of the corners of his lips lifted up into the tiniest half smirk she had ever seen and he even chuckled a bit. Then, he looked her square in the eye: "That was kind of funny."

She blinked at him. A blush crept across her face; she had to settle for looking anywhere but his face, focusing on how to make that stupid organ in the middle of chest beat slower (man, she knew she shouldn't have left those French fries). After a while, Sakura smiled almost shyly at him. "Thanks."

**-xxx-**

"So, boys and girls, tonight, I just want to talk to you about why I'm still single."

Cheers erupted from the crowd, men hooting and shouting and stomping in their seats.

Sakura smiled at the crowd and rolled her eyes. "O—Okay now, settle down, the vagina _is _rather selective you know."

And at that, the men in the crowd proceeded to groan.

"Anyway," Sakura said, carrying on, "apparently I'm a total freak—and not the kind that you'd want, like the ones in bed anyways. Now, I'm sure _all _of you guys at some point found out that women are absolute psychos, right?"

Everyone in the crowd either protested or cheered her on, crying out _amens_ and the like.

" 'Cause the thing is," Sakura said, "is that we girls go for the _dicks_." She held a finger out pointedly. "And I don't mean _just _the dangling male reproductive organs," she said nodding.

Giggles again.

"I mean, come on," Sakura continues, walking around the stage, "we're bat shit crazy; some really huge idiot in the club comes up to us like, 'Hey,'"—at this, Sakura assumed her best bad boy pose and deep manly man douchebag voice before she looked down at her crotch and back up—" 'wanna fuck?'"

The crowd tittered excitedly.

"And us girls, we're like, 'Giggly giggly snort okay,' while we twirl our hair and chew bubblegum and shit.

"And along comes some really sweet-looking dude with a really cute smile, comes along like,

(as she assumed a male voice) 'Hey, my name's—'"

Sakura cut herself off and pointed a vicious finger toward an unseen corridor of the room. She stared out into the audience with wide eyes. "'Get the _fuck_ out of my face."

The audience roared with laughter, applause echoing through the comedy hall.

Sakura, reassuming her boy role, shuffles over towards the other end of the stage. "'Right, okay, I'll just be over here then.'" She made her best _what-the-fuck _face towards the audience and gave the hugest shoulder shrug of her life. "What the hell, chicks, right?"

The dudes roared again.

"Yeah, so the female gender is probably crazy as fuck; and on that note, let me just tell you, I'm _that _kind of crazy times however many numbers there are." She held up a finger. "Observe."

Sakura walked toward the front of the stage. "So, this afternoon, my dear friend—who I will call my friend because friends to me are like trampolines." She stared mock-dejectedly at her feet. "I've always wanted a friend."

The crowd laughed and cooed at her.

Sakura laughed along with them. "Ha-ha, anyways! So my dear friend Mr. Angst Man (he'll go by that from now on) and I were at the buffet and this was the first time I'd ever struck up a conversation with him and I go, 'Oh, man, that's one snazzy watch.'

"So he's a hot guy—"

The women in the crowd whooped and cheered.

Sakura smirked. Eyes darting left and right, she leaned close to the mike before she said in a faux baritone voice, "You like that, baby?"

Peals of laughter echoed once again.

"Yeah, so he's a hot guy, so obviously, he goes, 'Ah, you like my watch'"—she sidled close to a young woman in the crowd—" '_a likely story_.'"

Tittering crowd commenced again.

"So," Sakura said as she made her way back onstage, "I decided later on that I'd show him that I didn't give two shits about him—and that I really liked his watch."

Sakura smacked her lips and nodded matter-of-fact-ly. "So I stole it."

An eruption of laughter.

Sakura rubbed at her eyes and laughed with them. "Uh, yeah, so, that's why I'm single 'cause I'm a freak and girls are freaks. Looks like my time as a freak show is up though; thank you all so much for coming and I really hope you guys enjoyed, you were awesome!"

.

.

.

Sakura watched as they emptied out of the Marionette Lounge and sipped from her bottle of water before her eye caught sight of a familiar, attractive chicken-butt-haired dude walking out from the bar. She waved frantically at him with both of her arms.

With luck, Sasuke managed to catch sight of the gesticulating female and headed over.

"Didja see me, didja see me?" Sakura asked, bouncing around on the stage as she grinned at him.

"Yes," Sasuke drawled and nearly rolled his eyes, fighting back a smirk from her childish behavior. "It's my _job_ to watch you."

Sakura stopped mid-bounce.

Rewind button, please?

"So, you look at me through binoculars while you sit at that creepy bar corner over there while I do my performances?"

Sasuke jolted. Holy fucks, things could get awkward pretty fast if he didn't clear things up. "Yes," he said, treading carefully. "It's my job to watch you because I'm your boss."

Sakura laughed nervously. "That—That's funny, it almost sounded like you said that you were my—ohhhhhhh, my _God_, _you're_ the CEO of the Festival Elations cruise lines?"

"… yes."

Her eye twitched and she stared down at his Bermuda shorts and back up to his face. "B-But… the shorts and the—the face," she said, gesturing to his face because CEOs were supposed to be old, old, _old_ and chiseled and fat and stuff, right?

But then again, no other loser would be weird enough to have their pocket watch inside the pocket of their Bermuda shorts.

Sakura squinted. "So, Sasuke…"

He stared at her a bit, wondering why she wasn't "treating" him to sanguine smiles and not using honorary prefixes like she was supposed to (maybe she was just getting too Americanized?).

"… does this mean I get to keep my job?"

The eyebrow went up for him this time.

Oh, well, of course that was what she was getting to.

Sasuke leaned back against the edge of the stage and ran a hand through his hair. "Well, your performances have been gathering some hit ratings recently, so I do suppose that means you do for the time being, or that you get my vote on the board of committees at least."

He held a hand up to stop her squeals. "But your performances can't turn to shit."

"Well, you're my arsenal for inspiration, right?" Sakura said as she leaped in front of him and landed wobbily on her feet. "I just gotta keep you around and then I'll be set for the rest of my career."

A realization hit her then and then she stared at the ground shyly before she clasped her hands together in front of her and played with her entertwined fingers. "That is, if I can…?" she said, looking back up at him with those big puppy dog eyes.

"Sakura—"

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssss ssssssseeeeeeee—"

Sasuke groaned and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "Fuck it all. Okay, fine, whatever," he said again, stopping her mid-happy dance, "Just make it count."

Sakura smirked. "Because you could be off doing CEO thingies?"

"Shut up."

**-xxx-**

**author's note: **so I imagine that this multi-fic of mine is going to be rather short with a mild drama on the side, some hot lemons, and, of course, a happy ending, and lots of humor.

anyways, review?


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